


Sick of Losing Soulmates

by ink_writes16



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, M/M, Okay so there's death, Other, but its just mentioned not in detail, canon doesn't exist so, idk if it makes sense with Shannon but, just...there, tw bombing, you'll know the time line sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:55:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29851512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ink_writes16/pseuds/ink_writes16
Summary: “Six months,” he says. “Six months of me telling him that he wasn’t alone, that I’d always be there when he needed me. And the one- the one time I wasn’t, he...”ORAn alternate ending to the engine bombing leaves one broken Eddie Diaz in its wake.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 28
Kudos: 150
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	Sick of Losing Soulmates

**Author's Note:**

> I have. No excuse I'm sorry
> 
> The title is from Sick of Losing Soulmates by Dodie

_People have begun to leave flowers, candles, notes, cards, all as a memorial to the firefighter who was killed in the engine bombing_ _last week. Twenty-nine year old first responder, Evan Buckley was pinned under a ladder truck, suffering fatal in-_

The television clicks off and Eddie looks at his hands in his lap.

“I was watching that,” he says, not looking up as Hen sits next to him.

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Why not?” He asks sarcastically. “I love reliving that…nightmare.”

“The more you watch it, the more it’s going to hurt.”

“Not like I don’t deserve it,” Eddie mutters.

She shifts, her elbow on her knee as she looks at him. “What are you talking about?”

“I should have been there with him,” he manages, pursing his lips.He wasn’t there and now, he was alone again.

Hen shakes her head. “Eddie, it was not your fault.”

“Six months,” he says. He could feel the resentment rising in him- resentment toward himself, toward the kid who set the bomb, toward- “ _Six_ _months_ of me telling him that he wasn’t alone, that I’d always be there when he needed me. And the one- the _one_ time I wasn’t, he...”

“We all make promises we can’t-“

“Don’t,” he snaps, shaking his head. “You’d be doing the same thing if it was your wife.”

Hen is quiet for a moment. It’s a crushing weight on him and he can’t stand it. “You’re right… I know you and Buck were close.”

“He was going to propose.”

“ _What_? To who?” Eddie looks at her and her eyes widen. “ _You_?”

He reaches into his pocket and shows her the small black box. “It was in his locker…”

“I didn’t know you two were dating.”

He sits forward and traces the lines on his palms while she examines the ring. “It was his idea, hiding it. He was worried if we... made a big deal about it, about _us_... he thought he’d lose me. That the pressure would be too much for him.”

“That’s not an easy thing to hide.”

It’s Eddie’s turn to shake his head. “Chris knew but, um... no. No, it was the _easiest_ thing in the world. Because it was _him_. And he was _mine_. Besides him and Chris... nothing else mattered. If I had- If I had lost everything else, but I had my boys... god, I’d be the _happiest_ man alive.

He takes a ragged breath. “They keep- they keep dying on me, Hen.” He looks up at her and she softens. He has to look away again, he sees the way her heart breaks for him. “I can’t- I can’t do it anymore. First, it was Shannon; I had _just_ gotten her back. And now, B- I can’t do it without him, I can’t... he was my _everything_.”

He hates how his voice breaks at the end of the sentence, he hates how he’s drowning in nothing but loneliness, he hates how he misses him with his whole being, how he can’t be _with_ Christopher, even if they’re sitting right next to each other. Because, _somehow_ , it reminds him too much of what he’s lost. And he _hates_ how it’s _always_ his fault.

He gasps for breath and pulls at his hair. “He- god, I keep- I keep pushing them away and then- It’s all my fault.”

“No, no, it’s not,” Hen says softly, putting her hand on his shoulder. “Eddie, look at me. Take a deep breath.”

“I wasn’t- I wasn’t enough for her and she-she wanted a divorce and then... And Bu-“ He bites his lip to keep from crying more. It doesn’t work and he shakes his head again. “I wanted to-to tell you all and he...he got mad, we were arguing. That’s why we were on different trucks and then...”

“Eddie, you couldn’t have stopped this.” There were tears in her eyes now too.

“I could have _been_ there.” He pushes her away and stands, pacing for a moment. “I _should_ have _been_ there.”

He drops back onto the couch and covers his face. Eddie wishes, with _every fiber of his being,_ that he was still here with him. That he could see those bright blue eyes and the excited grin and he would know that he was safe. Eddie wishes that he could wrap himself up in his arms, listening to his boyfriend’s heart beat.

But every time he thinks of the warmth and happiness he used to feel, the chill and sadness of reality presses harder.

“He shouldn’t have been alone,” he whispers, and if she hadn’t been as close as she was now, Hen would have missed it.

“Eddie...”

She pulls him close, wrapping her arms around him. And they sit like that for a while, her arms around him, while his head rests on her shoulder.


End file.
